How to Know If Your Relationship Can Survive Infidelity from a Couples Counselor in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

You’re exhausted, deeply hurt, feeling like your entire life has been turned upside down. And for what?? The stupid choice your partner made to cheat that has not just wrecked your relationship but, threatens to wreck you as a human.

It feels almost surreal because you never thought in a million years, this would be your reality.

If you’ve just found out, your probably still in shock, trying to wrap your brain around it, like WTF! You’re probably bouncing from sadness to anger to disbelief to sadness to anger. Repeat emotion cycle.

You don’t want to think about it but you have a thousand questions you want answered but are also afraid to have answered.

If you’ve been sitting with this information for a minute, you’re still probably saying WTF. It might feel like there are no more tears to cry and then out of nowhere, you’re sobbing again.

All the emotions are still simmering right at the surface but you get through most days without it being the loudest thought in your mind or at least not the loudest thought for a few hours at a time.

Whether you just found out or you’ve known for a while, your wondering if your relationship can survive infidelity. Let’s talk about that and if it’s actually possible for you and your relationship.

What Actually Determines Survival (It's Not What You Think)

The determining factors for a relationship surviving infidelity, no matter what kind, have nothing to do with “how bad” the offense was. Often times it doesn’t matter who was involved, what kind of cheating it was (emotional or physical) or even how long or how often the cheating occurred.

Here’s what actually matters after betrayal in relationships.

Accountability on the part of the offender (the cheater) is the first thing that tells you whether or not the relationship is viable. If there is no accountability, there can be no moving forward.

Accountability is the foundation of building trust again. Accountability is an acknowledgement that the bad choice was in fact a bad choice and a recognition that the choice was deeply hurtful to the person you love.

It’s like saying... I know I f’d up, made a really bad choice, I see the hurt it caused and I’m 100% responsible for my actions. Accountability doesn’t ensure the relationship survives but it’s necessary to even think about taking that step.

Willingness to move forward can only be determined after accountability has happened. And, willingness must be mutual. As a couples therapist, specializing in infidelity, I often see the one who stepped out being more than willing to do whatever they have to do to save the relationship.

The partner that’s been blindsided by the betrayal is usually a little skeptical of their partner’s willingness and it’s usually because they have been asking for these things for years.

Skepticism and willingness are allowed to co-exist.

You don’t have to be certain that it will work, you just have to be willing to try.

The Questions Worth Asking Yourself Right Now Besides... Can a Relationship Survive After Infidelity?

When infidelity is found out or disclosed in a relationship, the one hearing the info usually has a million questions. But they aren’t necessarily the questions that make a difference in figuring out if you can live with this. Sometimes, you don’t even know what questions to ask because it’s just all so... ick.

These are the questions I suggest couples talk about when they are struggling to find the words or questions to ask:

• What does our relationship have that still feels worth fighting for?

• How are you (the one who stepped out) going to handle it when I’m struggling with trust and need reassurance often?

• What are the warning signs that things aren’t going well in our relationship and what are we going to do when we recognize them?

• What steps are we going to take as a couple and as individuals to attempt to move forward?

Of course there are going to be a lot of other questions that come up, but these are a good start when you’re asking yourself, “should I stay or should I leave after cheating?” They give you insight into what feels good in the relationship, provides moments of trust building, why honest communication is key and what action to change is going to look like.

Why Some Relationships Come Out Stronger (And Why That's Not Crazy to Say)

I’m going to be honest with you, it isn’t going to be easy to build trust after infidelity. It’s going to be freaking hard and you’re going to question whether it’s possible or not, often.

You’re probably even going to question why you chose to stay.

But here’s the thing, some relationships, actually most, end up being stronger, closer and more fulfilling for both people. Recovering from an affair or one-off cheating requires vulnerability and a stripping away of all things that were creating barriers or perceived barriers to closeness to begin with.

It requires a level of honesty most relationships that experience infidelity have never had.

When the person who cheated begins working through their own issues that triggered the bad decision in the first place, there’s a shift not just in that person but in the relationship. It won’t erase the memories of the infidelity and long after it’s over, feelings may still pop up. That’s normal. However, the cheating will no longer carry the same weight it once did because the relationship has come out stronger.

What "Trying" Actually Has to Look Like

Doing the work to rebuild the relationship is hard because you’re not trying to recreate what you had; that obviously didn’t work. You’re creating something new. It’s going to require a lot of effort on both people’s part and this is what that actually looks like.

1. Couples therapy after an affair or cheating is pretty much a non-negotiable if you want this to work. You need support that is unbiased, someone that knows how to navigate these situations in a healthy way and you have to have a safe space to say all the things you need to say.

Statistics suggest that 70-75% of couples that actively engage in couples counseling after infidelity make it. Not just for a little while but long-term.

2. If the partner that cheated is against going to therapy, insist. If it’s still a no, individual therapy becomes the non-negotiable. If it’s still a no, that tells you something; maybe they’re not actually willing to do whatever it takes to help the relationship survive.

The change required in a individual that made a really bad decision is rarely successful without some kind of outside support

3. No contact with the other person/s. That means no following them on social media or texting. It means no, “I bumped into them in the store and we talked for a few minutes.”

It means ZERO contact.

You can’t be committed to working on something new and still be dipping your toes in the bad decision.

When Staying Isn't the Right Answer

As a couple’s therapist across Hawaii that has worked with many couples navigating infidelity, can a relationship survive infidelity? Being 100% transparent, not all relationships can. More importantly, not all relationships should. Here are some of the most common reasons a relationship can't survive:

• When one partner is more invested in doing the hard, long-term work it takes than the other

• Justifying their actions to cheat, blaming others or having little to no remorse for their actions

• Cheating again, after the disclosure

• Safety issues including intimate partner violence, mental and emotional abuse

There are obviously more reasons than this but if any of these resonate with you, listen to that little voice saying... it's time to go. Although leaving is hard, staying in a relationship with someone that is willing to hurt you, repeatedly, is harder. Infidelity is about so much more than the cheating itself and it's ok to go.

Figuring out if your relationship can survive after cheating is a very personal decision. Everyone that knows or finds out will have a different opinion and they might not always be helpful. You’re allowed to ignore them.

Give yourself time to breathe and actually decide what works for you and your relationship. The decision to try or to leave is completely yours and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Providing a safe space, via telehealth therapy in Hawaii, while people navigate one of the most difficult moments in their relationships is what I do and I’d be happy to support you as you figure it out ↗.

Until Next Time,